How to Survive Neurodivergent Family Holiday Gatherings: by a Family Therapist

Ah, the holiday season…A time for good food, various hot alcoholic beverages and, of course, family. Did you know that the holiday season is considered a major stressor for people? Yes, you did because you are (probably) a person. A lot of this stress is due to financial obligations but a good chunk of it is due to family. Even if you love your relatives very much, it does not make you immune to family drama. So how can we cope with this annual holiday-family-time-induced stress? Well, you could abandon society and live in the wilderness. But it could get pretty cold out there. Take a look at the tips below before you consider more drastic measures.

1.    Get ready. 

Keep your expectations for family events realistic. You know your family and you know yourself. I hope that this year the holidays will go perfectly and no one will experience any family dysfunction. But that probably won’t be the case for most people. Be prepared for uncertainty and bumps in the road. If it helps organize your thoughts, you can even write out a list of topics or people that will most likely trigger stress for you. Once you identify triggers then you can focus on ways to address them. This might mean avoiding certain people or topics, if possible, or listing coping strategies. For example, I can excuse myself to the bathroom, I’ll leave at a predetermined time, I can call a friend, etc. If you start to feel trapped, inadequate, or angry – just remember that you are a strong, capable person with options to manage your emotions and respond to your situation.

2.    Say no! 

It is OK and, in many cases, necessary to say ‘no’ during the holidays. Rely on your calendar to help you through the busy holiday season and start figuring out your schedule early. Block out times for must-do’s like work responsibilities, non-negotiable family events, and (PLEASE!) time for yourself. Be clear and firm if you need to turn down holiday events or extra responsibilities. It can help to set these boundaries early to help avoid surprise guilt trips. You may also want to consider limiting alcohol and certain foods. You don’t have to drink or eat anything that you don’t want to so don’t feel bad about expressing that. It is also perfectly reasonable to turn down impromptu requests. The holidays are not a good time to make sudden demands of our relatives and vice versa. For example: “No, Mom, I can’t go to the store at 8 pm on Christmas Eve to get the ingredients for my special overnight French toast bake and put it together tonight so that we can have it Christmas morning.”

3.    Shake it off. 

Haters gonna hate. It may sound cliché and unhelpful but a positive approach really can help you get through awkward and/or painful family interactions. You can’t control your family. In fact, you can’t control anyone except yourself. You have a right to advocate for yourself and your needs but, unfortunately, you can’t force others to respect this. Some things aren’t negotiable so do leave the situation if you feel unsafe or disrespected. Keep in mind, though, that the results of some conversations may not be worth the psychological toll that they will have on you. If you decide that you can’t be happy until your Dad finally understands you then you let him determine your happiness. Stay firm in your own values and self-concept but don’t spend the rest of your life trying to get your family to accept them. If they eventually change their minds, that’s great. If not, that’s still great. Because you know yourself and you are happy with who you are.