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How to Survive Neurodivergent Family Holiday Gatherings: by a Family Therapist

Mel Planet Neurodivergent Admin by Mel Planet Neurodivergent Admin
May 16, 2021
in Anxiety, Mental Health, Neurodivergent, Relationships, Stress Management
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Ah, the holiday season…A time for good food, various hot alcoholic beverages and, of course, family. Did you know that the holiday season is considered a major stressor for people? Yes, you did because you are (probably) a person. A lot of this stress is due to financial obligations but a good chunk of it is due to family. Even if you love your relatives very much, it does not make you immune to family drama. So how can we cope with this annual holiday-family-time-induced stress? Well, you could abandon society and live in the wilderness. But it could get pretty cold out there. Take a look at the tips below before you consider more drastic measures.

 

 

 

“If you start to feel trapped, inadequate, or angry – just remember that you are a strong, capable person with options to manage your emotions and respond to your situation.”

 

1.    Get ready. 

Keep your expectations for family events realistic. You know your family and you know yourself. I hope that this year the holidays will go perfectly and no one will experience any family dysfunction. But that probably won’t be the case for most people. Be prepared for uncertainty and bumps in the road. If it helps organize your thoughts, you can even write out a list of topics or people that will most likely trigger stress for you. Once you identify triggers then you can focus on ways to address them. This might mean avoiding certain people or topics, if possible, or listing coping strategies. For example, I can excuse myself to the bathroom, I’ll leave at a predetermined time, I can call a friend, etc. If you start to feel trapped, inadequate, or angry – just remember that you are a strong, capable person with options to manage your emotions and respond to your situation.

 

2.    Say no! 

It is OK and, in many cases, necessary to say ‘no’ during the holidays. Rely on your calendar to help you through the busy holiday season and start figuring out your schedule early. Block out times for must-do’s like work responsibilities, non-negotiable family events, and (PLEASE!) time for yourself. Be clear and firm if you need to turn down holiday events or extra responsibilities. It can help to set these boundaries early to help avoid surprise guilt trips. You may also want to consider limiting alcohol and certain foods. You don’t have to drink or eat anything that you don’t want to so don’t feel bad about expressing that. It is also perfectly reasonable to turn down impromptu requests. The holidays are not a good time to make sudden demands of our relatives and vice versa. For example: “No, Mom, I can’t go to the store at 8 pm on Christmas Eve to get the ingredients for my special overnight French toast bake and put it together tonight so that we can have it Christmas morning.”

 

3.    Shake it off. 

 

“Stay firm in your own values and self-concept but don’t spend the rest of your life trying to get your family to accept them.”

Haters gonna hate. It may sound cliché and unhelpful but a positive approach really can help you get through awkward and/or painful family interactions. You can’t control your family. In fact, you can’t control anyone except yourself. You have a right to advocate for yourself and your needs but, unfortunately, you can’t force others to respect this. Some things aren’t negotiable so do leave the situation if you feel unsafe or disrespected. Keep in mind, though, that the results of some conversations may not be worth the psychological toll that they will have on you. If you decide that you can’t be happy until your Dad finally understands you then you let him determine your happiness. Stay firm in your own values and self-concept but don’t spend the rest of your life trying to get your family to accept them. If they eventually change their minds, that’s great. If not, that’s still great. Because you know yourself and you are happy with who you are.

4.    Take your own breaks. 

You may be having a great time talking to someone at a gathering. If so, keep going! If not, give yourself permission to quietly wander off even if you are in the middle of a conversation. If someone is saying weird, unpleasant things to you then they’re probably drunk or distracted by the TV anyway. They’ll be alright. Walking away is a totally acceptable way to communicate your boundaries and protect yourself. Save your energy for worthwhile and enjoyable interactions. Practice those coping strategies you listed earlier to help keep your energy up. Maybe you want to spend some time in nature or meditate for a few minutes. 

If you need to, it’s okay to take time out from the stress to be alone and recharge your batteries.

5.    Rely on trusted people (and humor). 

Count on the other supports in your life if you are nervous about the holidays. Consider bringing along a friend or partner. If you can’t find anyone to go with you then ask a friend if you can check in with them by text throughout the day. They may appreciate having some backup, too. Life Coach Martha Beck recommends a few different games to deal with especially dysfunctional family dynamics. I find that teens and young adults, in particular, appreciate these somewhat darkly humorous games. All of them involve observing your relatives ‘from the outside’ in order to gather information.

Game 1: Queen for a Day

In Queen for a Day, you and a few friends meet up after the holidays to ‘compete’ for the most horrible holiday family experience. Everyone votes to select the winner or ‘queen’ (or other royal) and the others buy the winner lunch.

Game 2: Comedy Club

In Comedy Club, you take notes on your relatives’ awkward and/or atrocious behavior in order to prep for a stand-up comedy bit. You then try your bit out on your audience of friends.

Game 3: Dysfunctional Family Bingo

In Dysfunctional Family Bingo, you and your friends design personalized Bingo cards with actions and phrases that are likely to come up during family gatherings. The first person to get Bingo lets everyone know by group text.

Well, that’s all I’ve got. Please feel free to comment with more tips for folks trying to make it through the holidays with their sanity intact.

 Jordan is a licensed social worker in Ohio (USA). She speaks professionally at conferences and student organizations about neurodiversity, neuroinclusivity, and Autistic culture. She also offers customised staff trainings for a variety of organisations.

References:

Beck, M. (2002, Dec.). O, the Oprah Magazine.

Greenberg, A. and Berktold, J. (2006, Dec.) Holiday stress. Retrieved from apa.org/news/press/releases/2006/12/holiday-stress.pdf.

Tags: ADHD ChristmasAnxietyanxiety and the holidaysanxiety holidaysanxiety managementanxiety managmentautismautism and the holidaysautism Christmasautism spectrumautism spectrum disorderbipolar christmasbipolar stressChristmaschristmas stressfamily therapistfamily therapyholiday stressholiday stress managmentholiday stressorsholidays coping strategiesJordan DellingerJordan dellinger linkedinJordan dellinger neurodiversityJordan Dellinger Ohioneurodivergentneurodivergent family therapistneurodivergent family therapyneurodivergent writerneurodiverseneurodiverse writerneurodiversity advocateneurodiversity speakeron the spectrumPlanet NDPlanet NeurodivergentStressstress managmentstress of christmasstress reductionthe autism spectrum
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