The deeper I delved into the rabbit hole, the more knowledgeable I became about the diagnosis I was given. They just didn’t seem to fit. As if I was given the wrong size of clothing and it didn’t fit. I just didn’t know what it was that something else, that I felt was the problem. Then one day I stumbled upon an American website that allowed for extensive testing on various psychological problems, using authentic testing forms. The test was clear: Autism and PTSD.
I didn’t know to much about autism and so I started researching the symptoms and traits. I didn’t recognise myself in it at first but then I started looking for the details of autism in woman. A world of knowledge opened up to me and for the first time in my life I could finally name all my problems under one single term. Autism.
With this newly found information and extracts from the web I went to tell my psychologist and told him that I felt this was it. He almost immediately dismissed my ideas with a single phrase: “You are way to communicative to be autistic!” I felt heartbroken and lost by his reaction. In the following months it became clear that the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy had no effect on me. It allowed me to demand a proper psychological assessment to find out what was really wrong with me. Although my psychologist wasn’t enthousiastic about this, he did agree with me and signed me up for the assessment.
In 2017 I went in for testing and my oh my what a hassle this turned out to be. The psychologist was in training and presumptuous about me in many ways. She was denigrating in her communication. Didn’t take my answers serious and when I didn’t understand a question she just told me what the answer should be according to her. The whole process started to become traumatizing and I started to have regular meltdown’s.
It became so stressful that I eventually withdrew from continuing the assessment, leaving the ASD evaluation incomplete.
“There was however enough information for the psychologists to come up with a new diagnosis: Schizotypal Personality Disorder.”
I was furious when I read the evaluation paper. This wasn’t me! This was exactly all the answers she provided for me!